Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
