Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
