I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
