She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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