cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
