I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
