tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
