I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so explain again why im purple
no
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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