I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
