We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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