sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize