did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's shark week go big or go home
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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