Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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