I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
