im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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