Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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