your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
