I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
