is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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