i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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