smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
