omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
