At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
