I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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