You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
