I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
