she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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