first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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