theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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