i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
ugly people sure do ruin things
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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