Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
