I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
