sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
