My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
