She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
