dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
