can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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