Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
