I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize