just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
