A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
