I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
