the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
