the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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