Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
