If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
