In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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