I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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