New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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