The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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