Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
