i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize