he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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