Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
