I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
