I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
