Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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