im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
