Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
